Over the months since Howard died I’ve been through stages of grief. At first there was the utter disbelief he was gone, even though I witnessed his death. Joan Didion wrote a book about this called The Year of Magical Thinking. I re-read much of it. It has helped. 

I’m no longer bursting into tears at odd times with unknown triggers. One time it was just being in Trader Joe’s. I cried a little, but held it together until I got into the car. Then the floodgates opened and I drove home crying the whole way. 

I still encounter triggers that make me really sad. Friday night mom and I went to dinner at Golden Palace in Moraga. A place we had gone many times with Howard. They serve Chinese and Japanese. Both are solidly good. Howard would often get the sushi, mom & I Chinese dishes. Occasionally, I’d order sushi too. And sometimes we’d all get Chinese. Mom also liked the tempura appetizer, so it was varied what we ate. Our visit triggered me and I got very sad. It carried over into yesterday. 

I cried all over my trip to Europe right after he died. He made me promise over and over to still go, no matter what. I did. It was a good decision, but in many ways it delayed my grief. It kept me from immediately wallowing. 

My first stop was Barcelona. After my tour of the Expiatory Temple of La Sagrada Familia I sat in the pews at the very front which are reserved for quiet contemplation and worship. The are is roped off a bit and their are signs that this area is not for tourist activities. I had my first heaving cry sitting in the second row of this section. I sitting bent over crying into my hands when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to take a picture of her. My tear stained face and death stare dissuaded her. I fairly immediately found this funny. If only I could tell Howard. 

Those moments are too numerous to even contemplate detailing.

A favorite show is back with new episodes.

How did you like the ending of Making the Cut?

You won’t believe what this or that friend has done. 

References to an inside joke only he would find funny. 

Those are still happening. I guess those might go away when my brain finally accepts he’s really gone. 

And I’m back to Magical Thinking. 

Which prevents me from planning his Celebration of Life.